Sophomore Joseph McGowan missed an entire day’s worth of classes due to dozens of slow-moving sidewalk pedestrians last Wednesday.
McGowan was up bright and early at 8:30 a.m. last Wednesday ready to take on the day ahead of him. “I was feeling great, honestly,” said McGowan. “It was fairly cool out. There was a nice breeze. I had four classes ahead of me, but against all odds I was ready to go.”
As he headed out of St. Tammany Hall that morning, he was making his way down the sidewalk when his ordeal started. He happened upon three students who were walking in a horizontal line, taking up the entire sidewalk. McGowan said, “Every time I tried to pass them it was like they were actively trying to block my way. I’d never seen anything like it.” McGowan said the students were moving “infuriatingly slow. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone walk with less gusto in my entire life.”
However, 30 minutes later McGowan was finally able to cross the street around Louisiana Hall to the opposite sidewalk. “I was just relieved more than anything. I was already late for my first class, but I figured better late than never. I never would’ve imagined what happened next.”
By sheer chance McGowan happened upon another couple of students who were moving at an abnormally slow pace. McGowan said, “It was two guys. They were just talking and one was walking with his bike, which was taking up an entire lane. I mean, you have a bike. Ride it for crying out loud.”
This story comes in the wake of a recent study conducted by Southeastern’s newly-instated Department of Pedestrians. The study, which shows that McGowan’s experience may be part of an ongoing trend, found that of walking students, 90% of them move at an average of 0.3 mph.
“The students on campus walk so slowly, they caused me to graduate a semester late,” said Melissa Lester, a recent graduate of Southeastern. “Getting stuck behind slow-moving students caused me to be tardy multiple times. I ended up barred from most of my classes, and it pushed my graduation back a semester.”
Lisa Zeure Strolle, another current Southeastern student, defended students who casually meander around campus. “Some students, such as myself, simply hate getting in a hurry,” Strolle said. “I’m not embarrassed to admit that I failed my walking class. Any other kinesiology lab, I’d be fine taking, but walking at a specified pace is just not something I’m into. Wherever I go, I just like to mosey along.”
McGowan’s day continued on at a snail’s pace. “It was as if every time I tried to get to my next class, there was always someone blocking the way, no matter which route I took.” He recalled nearly making it to his public speaking class, but happened across a tour group along the way. “It was just a herd of people filling up the hallway. I didn’t even know they gave tours inside class buildings,” he said.
After dozens of encounters like this McGowan gave up on attending class for the day. “It took me 3 and a half hours just to get to Meade Hall from D. Vickers. That’s like some sort of universal anomaly.” McGowan added that he is hoping for better luck on his way back to the overflow parking area.
This story has been arranged by the Communications 151 and 341 classes, at Southeastern Louisiana University. No persons, animals, zombies, or ghosts were harmed during the production of this story. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is simply a figment of one’s own imagination. This story was created for comedic purposes only, and may be unsuitable for the oversensitive, non-humorous, or those individuals with illogical religious beliefs. This story contains scenes that are utterly appalling and may cause involuntary outbursts of laughter. These outbursts may in turn lead to crying, potentially inducing red-eye. Catching red-eye may cause one to be mistaken for a zombie… zombies are killed. Individuals with a great fear of the unknown should take extra caution. Southeastern Louisiana University will not be held accountable for any misfortunes. Happy Halloween!